Wednesday, November 8, 2017


Reflecting on the years that God blessed me with

People that I have lost
People that I gained
There's a lot of it, like most of us. But we all have different stories to tell.

So, What's my story?

Well for a start I am living a good life or am I?

I grew up with my grandparents because my parents need to work abroad to provide for us and until now my father still lives and work abroad so most of my life I am away with my parents. Even though my mother lives in the Philippines now, she returned during my high school years I'm almost graduating and during college I moved out because my school was far from home. Do I regret the years I lived with my grandparents instead of my parents and do I recent my parents for leaving us? Never. I am very lucky, I can say, I am who I am because of my Nanay and Tatay they're the best! Unfortunately God took them too early. It does still hurt thinking that whenever I come back home I can't see them or hear their voices anymore. It's one of my struggles that until now I cannot accept that they're gone specially Nanay to cope up with the emptiness and sadness I just lie to myself that she's just there in our home and since I live miles away from her I can't call her. If I miss her and wanted to hear her voice well I just burst into tears and reality strikes me. I have 3 sisters and they're my life, Our eldest now lives in France she was living with me here in UAE for 4 years and when she got married she decided to live with her husband in France. Now, we just visit each other from time to to time either she travels here or I fly there. My 2 younger sisters are still in college, we talk everyday never a day passes that we won't share stories about our day, sharing pictures of our food, places, books that we are currently reading, secrets and other things. I always miss them so much that sometimes I wish them here we'll never know I guess.

(this is me actually not a boy when I was 5 yrs old)

I graduated and finished school on time and with good grades that I am proud of. I worked hard and study hard because I fear failing, I am absolutely scared of failing a subject. My favorite years in school was during my High School years. I found a group of friends which I will and forever treasure in my heart though most of them I see from time to time some I lost touch with but they're the best and one of the truest people I have met so far in my life. High school days was filled with fun as well as challenges: overnight projects; advance studying because of early exams during end of school year; school events and activities; how happy we are when there's teachers meeting and all that because we can go to one of my friends house and just hang out and laugh non stop.

College was a learning stage for me and molded me to be an independent person. It was a struggle for me to live alone, learn how to cook to survive a day and to take care of myself when I am sick. It taught me how to make a better choices in life. Choose friends who will be a good influence to you. College is just tough but I passed and survived and graduated with a Bachelor degree. Thanks to my parents who helped me and my Nanay who visited me and scold me most of the time because I am so stubborn maybe because I am used to living alone by that time.

After graduation I am eager to work abroad and that was my goal. While I am preparing for it and waiting for my documents to be prepared I decided to work for the meantime and I looked for a job that would not hold me back if ever I wanted to resign after a few months. So the ideal job for me was to work in a Call Center which I think really benefited me, helping me feel confident having conversation with other nationalities and being so familiar with their accents. With that experience it was easy for me to adjust in certain accents. I met few people that I can call my friends but like some we rarely talk. I just wish we still have that bond that I had with them but I think the distance really takes its toll.

Leaving my family was hard. I thought it was easy but it wasn't. I was in doubt leaving that day because of  uncertainty that awaits me. I landed UAE February 2008 and the hardship and trials starts. Looking for a job when you are in a time period was difficult all you can think about were "when will I be hired?", "my visa will expire soon", "what will I do?". I am not used to this kind of life and the only thing that motivates me is the will of not failing my family and to prove something to myself. After one extension of my visa and it took me 3 months and 2 weeks to find a Job I was hired finally that was June 2008. I'm still trying to get back the money that I have lost and just basically to survive day by day. Since I had been trying to save as much as I can I don't call to my parents and Nanay that much and that is my biggest regret. Everytime I call home and hear the voice of my Nanay or sisters it really breaks my heart because the difference of living 2 hrs away from home and living in a different country, anytime you miss them you can just ride a taxi and be with them. When you live in a different country the only thing you can do is cry and be sad unless you can afford to lose to your job or you have enough money to buy a plane ticket.  I received a news that Nanay was hospitalized and sick I called almost everyday but I didn't talked to my grandmother because I know I will breakdown when I hear her, then One morning I received a call from my Tita in KSA that she died. I feel like I also died that day with regrets, hatred and bitterness that I never had the chance of seeing her once more specially of talking to her just because I can't. I am just so selfish of my pain that I never allowed myself to be understanding of her pain. If God will give me a chance to be with my grandmother for 1 day in exchange of my existence I will not think twice. This by far the most painful event in my life. Travelled back for her and went back to UAE after a week.

I found another job in a better company after 2 years from my first job and stayed with them for 5 years. I still live in UAE up to now with my husband.

✿ ❤ ❤ ❤ ✿

Love, ohhh love. I have a fair share of failed relationships and stories and of course TOTGT until I met my husband. I read something that you only fall in love with 3 people in a lifetime. Well I think I actually fell in love with 4 people in my life. The first one says its a young love, an idealistic love, the one that seems like a fairytale that we read. Well, my first love was during my high school days, my actual first love. They say that you won't be able to move on with your first love? Well I did. We broke up because I respect my religion and the rules that I have to follow. Did it feel right when we broke up? Oh well it's a pain I can't explain but I thought I won't be able to love again however I did.

Second love says it is your hard love, the one that teaches us lessons about who we are and how we often want or need to be loved. This is the kind of love that hurts. Well it did hurt big time like Adele's songs. It did taught me tons maybe that's why I am a tougher person now and that was a 7 years relationship. I thought he will be that person I will be married with but God did have a plan for me so it ended by the 7th year and I am thankful. It's an emotional rollercoaster maybe because you were trying to be mature but then you're not because you still don't know what it is like actually. You just believe in love and love alone and sometimes it's a selfish love. There's a lot of painful moments, a lot of sadness and hurt yet I keep coming back, I did tried to move on and dated few wonderful and amazing guys but he will come back and the cycle will start again. I was so down and my self esteem was zero during those years and I always believe that I deserve it all. I was broken! I am a wreck! And one day I woke up and I said I am done with this relationship and I am ready to move on totally, I never looked back. Though it cause me so much pain and hurt like big time it still gave me happiness and some good memories.

Then to the person who got away. Well the person who I never realized I needed in my life because I was so focused with someone that I never realized that he might be the one...the person I needed, his love for me might be the one that I needed. He was always around when I needed him and then he got tired of me hurting him like years of hurting him (not just a year) because my heart belongs to someone else. His love for me was unfathomable and a normal person (who clearly is not me) will die to have that kind of love. He was my childhood love like childhood 5 years old love like that. I did love him though more than he think I did. I think our timing is just always not right. There's one time that I really needed him that I though the best way was for me to run away with him but he was already happy that time and knowing that I am a human wrecking ball to him and his life a decided to leave him alone and then I decided to leave the country.

3rd and final love, the love that we never see coming. The one that usually looks all wrong for us and that destroys any lingering ideals we clung to about what love is supposed to be. This is the love that comes so easy it doesn't seem possible. It's the kind where the connection can't be explained and knocks us off our feet because we never planned for it and that is my now husband. The person who I thought I will never love but I did because were just so opposite like REALLY opposite. I think the only thing that we were alike was our love of reading books that's it. If I needed a friend he can be my friend. He is the person I trust most. I can be who I am with him. He brings so much happiness in my life but sometimes he does get into my nerves, most specially when he talks too much. On the other hand he knows what to say to comfort me. You will be surprised that I love romantic things and gestures, and  yet he is not like that. So since we became a couple I've learned not to expect for something romantic. I remembered one time it was our Dating Anniversary and when I arrived home from work there's a cake in the kitchen and since I'm used to No flowers and chocolates in every occasion I didn't noticed it at all I just went straight to the fridge sit in the counter and rest and talk to him until he mentioned the cake and I was speechless and embarrassed. So him being like that... I can live with it anyways he accepts every mood I have even when I am being obnoxious (It's just fair).

When you got married people always asks when will you have a baby? This question is a very very sensitive to me and people just ask them so casually. Seriously think of that question before asking it to somebody because you don't know what's going on with their lives maybe they're having a hard time getting pregnant or maybe she has a condition that makes her unable to carry a baby. So people keep on asking me that question and here is my answer.. WE DECIDED NOT TO HAVE A BABY. Shocking right?! Well years of fertility treatment and wasted money, miscarriage and my body and mental health just can't cope up anymore. I became more depressed and unhappy to the point that I just got scared of having my period. I prayed a lot..crying while  I am praying asking for just one child and one day I just prayed that whatever God's plan for us it will be done. That day I was freed, I slowly became happier and just living my life. Our relationship became stronger. We actually became more in love with each other and just lifted. Do I still wish to have a child? If it is God's will I will gladly accept it. I still have my Godchild though and I enjoy seeing them and taking care of them from time to time.

Dealing with health issues. I have issues more than you  think my body can handle. I think yearly I am getting a new diagnosis. I have chosen to become a Vegetarian because it does help me feel better and tons of food to avoid being Vegetarian was just the best option for me. I have a severe Acid reflux that I just found out last June meaning my love for lemons, oranges, pineapples, spicy food, spaghetti, pizza, Chocolates, teas and coffee are over. So basically I am a living boring eating person and eating everyday can sometimes be a trial and error, It will end up either making you curl up into a ball in pain or makes you full and happy. This past few months I had been trying to workout more and trying to be healthier. It does help with my mental health and depression never thought it would but it does and that's what I am planning to continue doing. I also have an Asthma ever since I was a little and every 3 month I see my doctor for routine check up and refills. It worsen when I live here in UAE because of the dusty and sandy environment. Another is my Gout thanks to my ever dearest Father so my love for fish sauce was also over. What I hate about this gout is that sometimes it affects my running. If I'm not careful about what I put in my body the next day I have to endure the pain of running and training.


Will that be the end of my story? maybe not we will never know but for now that's all I can share. My 32 years of existence ups and downs. So do you think I live a good life? All I can say is that... As long as I am breathing and God is with me, my husband is with me, my family is with me, I have a good life.

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